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Drunk explainers

May 142013

May 14, 2013 Posted by Traci No Responses »

The concept of a drunk person explaining anything is, quite frankly, hilarious. SHH. Yes. It is. I give you the wonders of Ms. Marbles. Snickerful.

Listening to what I say

May 072013

May 7, 2013 Posted by Guest No Responses »

“So Nina, “(I say to my visiting mother-in-law) “I think I’ll go back to my 6:00 AM boot camp when you head back to LA. I find when I go to the earlier class I have more time to do things during the day.” “Oh, like reading?” Awkward. “Uh, I like to think I do a little more than reading during the day.” I was slightly (totally) offended. And then I heard what I said, and what she said, and I was like, huh. You ever hear something and it makes you go, huh? Oprah would call it an “a-ha” moment. I would call it an “I can’t believe I just said that out loud” moment. To Nina’s credit she immediately confirmed how busy I was during the day and how I am always on the run, and cooking and cleaning… by stressing how busy I was she confirmed my [...]

WARNING: Woman in the beer aisle

May 032013

May 3, 2013 Posted by Traci No Responses »

Once upon a time I was at the grocery buying beer to enjoy with that night’s baseball game. You know. Like you do. I was bent over, head stuck in the refigerated case reading labels, when a voice behind me said, “You’ll definitely want to try this.” Straightening, I turned to see a slightly excited thirty-something male, nodding and pointing at a case of beer. “Excuse me?” I responded politely, not quite sure the man was speaking to me. The man edged past me into the refigerator case, gingerly tapping on his prized selection. His eyes went wide. “OOOh yeah. Definitely.You gotta try this.” I swallowed back a gag and tried to smile. “Raspberry-orange flavored beer?” I asked. The man nodded vigorously. “My wife loves this beer. You gotta try it.” I realize that I was perceived as slightly out of my gender zone, you know, being female and looking [...]

E-reader: My latest love

Apr 242013

April 24, 2013 Posted by Traci 2 Responses »

Do you ever look back in time and think, “Wow, I said that stupid thing?” While I’m not a huge fan of that feeling, I think admitting that I was horrendously, boorishly wrong about something makes me — at the very least — an aware person (if not also amazingly astute, incredibly broad-minded, close to godly and mildly good-looking. Also, humble.) Last year some time, I made this stupid remark: “I don’t think I’d like e-books.” Among the lame reasons I gave were: – I like the feeling of holding the book in my hand. – I like the smell of the paper. – Reading is very intimate; I take my book with me everywhere. – Reading on a computer bugs my eyes. I sit here, one year later, and I quietly punch those statements in their moronic faces. Why? A few months ago, I read my first book on [...]

I love it all.

Mar 262013

March 26, 2013 Posted by Traci No Responses »

I slept last night. I slept a deep, glorious, dream-filled sleep and when I awoke — while not entirely refreshed — I realized that I LOVE SO MANY THINGS. 1. Basset hound puppies How could anyone NOT love these shweet widdle puppas? 2. Bare Minerals Correcting Concealer This weekend, I hit up Ulta with my 20% off EV-UH-RAY-THANG couple, so I stocked up on said EV-UH-RAY-THANG. As I was out of concealer and I have circles and bags under my eyes that rival those of an 80-year-old man, I decided it was time for a refill. And, as I like to try new products, I decided to take the word of the consultant and try Bare Minerals new Correcting Concealer. I AM IN LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Proof? I have made out with it three times. Other proof? I look like a female now — a refreshed, dark-circle-free female. 3. This song. I JUST [...]

I hate everything.

Mar 252013

March 25, 2013 Posted by Traci No Responses »

I got two hours of sleep last night. I am hating all of humanity right now. But if that list is too broad, let me give you a shortened version. 1. This picture. This stupid picture makes me want to scream. Every time I got to Billboard’s site, I see this dumb image and today, I want to punch it. 2. My stomach. My stomach feels like crap. It’s that whole had-no-sleep gross stomach feeling. But this picture of this cute girl who apparently is also suffering from a similar malady IS A TOTAL LIE. No one looks this good with a sore stomach. I want to punch her. 3. This song. I work at an Adult Contemporary station. This POS song is on the air right now. I. Hate. It. 4. My eyes. This is EXACTLY how my eyes feel this morning: itchy, inflamed, red, allergy-ridden, annoying and HATEFUL. [...]

Damn you, Time

Mar 152013

March 15, 2013 Posted by Traci 1 Response »

The fact that time continually passes WITHOUT my permission frustrates the crap out of me. I’ve been having spasms of nostalgia lately — remembering and longing for the days of my kids’ early childhoods. The other day (which could have been 3-months ago, I’m not sure — I do know it was a day other than today), I was talking to my 17-year-old son and I reached out and touched his face, like I do. And it had hair. Actual HAIR. Like it should, because he’s a young man. And I knew it was there, and yes, I know it’s called stubble. But this is my baby BOY we’re talking about here. For years, he was my youngest; he was my happy, funny little guy. I was suddenly caught in a loop remembering his husky little voice that couldn’t pronounce his r’s. Which, for a kid named “Harrison,” was downright adorable. [...]

Dark cloud on a sunny day

Mar 062013

March 6, 2013 Posted by Traci 3 Responses »

Yesterday, I got bullied. No joke. I’m a 43-year-old woman, and I was verbally accosted by a large, gruff woman as she went out of her way to tell our on-location radio team her thoughts on me. Let me say here and now: I have no idea who this person is. Large? Yes. Rude? Horribly. Inappropriate? Completely. Had I ever laid eyes on her, let alone done anything to personally affront her? Nope. Not that I was aware. Here’s the situation: I work as morning DJ at a local radio station. Truly a glamorous job, no? And we were on remote, covering a huge event here in the Central Valley called “Kids Day.” It’s a day where all various community entities — businesses, schools, government officials, you name it — come together to sell a special newspaper. All proceeds for the event benefit Children’s Hospital Central California. Suffice it to say, it [...]

Zombie survival

Mar 042013

March 4, 2013 Posted by Traci No Responses »

Not too long ago I learned that a United States Congressman addressed a group regarding public safety in the case of a zombie outbreak. I then learned that the Federal Emergency Management Agency dedicated the entire month of October to Zombie Awareness. According to officials, over 400 emergency management professionals tuned into that month’s webinar. *blink* What does it say that we, as a society, have reached the point that we need to quell public concern over a fictional, scientifically-impossible epidemic? What does it say that I, as an individual, have started to think about how I would personally survive said fictional, scientifically-impossible epidemic? In my defense, I CAN’T HELP IT. My zombie interest started about 3-years back, when my sons loaned me their “The Walking Dead” graphic novels. Hubs and I immediately ingested the first 5 books in a blink. The novels describe life in a post-zombie-apocalyptic America, detailing a world without order while following the [...]

Cold-ass rookie

Feb 282013

February 28, 2013 Posted by Guest 1 Response »

It’s been snowing since October. It’s now February 28th. Excuse me while I wipe away a tear… *sigh*… oh, it’s not that bad. I mean it hasn’t been snowing since October because SOME DAYS IT’S TOO COLD TO SNOW. That’s right. Too cold to snow. This means when I walk into the school from -16 ° outside and speak to the main office secretary in my cheery, I-am-so-happy-to-be-telling-you-that-my-daughter-forgot-her-scarf again voice — and gosh yes, it is cold. OK, you have a good day too! Bundle up! Stay warm! — I ignore the box of tissue on the desk. Rookie move. It’s there to wipe the condensation off your nose hairs so when you are chit chatting with the secretary in your “oh so breezy confident way,” you don’t look like you have a white cobweb growing out of your nostrils. So pretty. So so pretty. And you only know this [...]