So this is the part where I talk about Ryan Reynolds marrying that chick from Gossip Girl (the one that launched a thousand blind items), and about the guy who showed up at Miley Cyrus’s house with a pair of scissors and a dream, and about Amanda Bynes careening about town like a Lohan, and about Sheryl Crow getting a brain tumor from her cell phone, and about Jessica Simpson’s baby wearing a bikini, and about Kanye West sexing up the ladies back in the day to current GF Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, and about Michael Jackson being a hot mess just prior to his too-soon death, and about Rihanna’s under-booby tattoo in honor of her grandmother (really), but I don’t want to hold all that in my brain right now. Why? Because I already have a bunch of useless facts to carry around in my walnut-sized noggin, thanks to Christopher Stodden’s The Disneyland Encyclopedia, which I’ve been reading nonstop since I ordered it on Amazon last week.
Ohmigod, you’re thinking. Is she really writing another Disneyland post? Yes, she is. Because she wants to get on Disneyland’s good side (assuming it has one), in order to get FREE CHURROS FOR LIFE.
Who reads encyclopedias, anyway? Like, no one, except Disneyland fans, because that’s how we roll. All minutiae, however seemingly trivial to the layperson, is candy to us freaks. We eat it up (driving home that candy metaphor just in case you didn’t see me and my giant rock candy-covered Mack truck coming at you).
Is it super important to know that the Bengal Barbecue used to be called “Sunkist, I Presume,” and that it sold juices instead of tasty meats on sticks? Does it blow your mind to know that for the first ten years of its existence, the Autopia did not run on a track, and that you could run obnoxious children into the bushes at your own discretion? Or that there existed in Tomorrowland an exhibit called the “Bathroom of Tomorrow” that featured a posture-enhancing toilet? Or that there used to be a rifle store, an American Dairy exhibit and an “egg house” in the park?
If any of these things is remotely fascinating to you, I say, “Welcome to my world, friend,” and I encourage you to find and buy/borrow The Disneyland Encyclopedia. It will give you a clear picture of what Disneyland used to be, what it is now, and, perhaps, what it was only in its fans’ imaginations.
And now back to our regularly scheduled gossip: It turns out that the Taliban has set its sights on killing Prince Harry while he’s in Afghanistan (sad), and that Michael Clarke Duncan died from respiratory failure (sadder), and that one of the Queen’s beloved corgis, Monty, died over the weeked (SADDEST).
Aargh. See why I concern myself with the Happiest Place on Earth?