The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Maynard episode 5

This week, the Bachelorette and her gentlemen suitors (bahahaha) ok, bachelors will be spending time in London. Also, in the preview scenes of the episode, we find out that someone calls Ricki “baggage” and Emily is going to get TICKED off. So much so that she talks about ripping their limbs off and beating them with ‘em!

The men will be staying at the Mayfair hotel, and shockingly, if they don’t get a rose, they get sent straight back to the United States! (Thank you Chris Captain Obvious Harrison.)

The first date of the episode is a one-on-one and Sean is the lucky man. Jef One F shares his concern of the connection Sean and Emily may have with the other men, and Alejandro vents that he hasn’t been on a date at all in the last week.

Sean and Emily’s date starts out with the pair taking a ride around the city in a double-decker bus. Not exactly an original idea, but hey, it’s still better than perfume shopping in Bermuda, right? After the bus, Emily and Sean check out Westminster Abbey, take photos in front of an old-fashioned red phone booth, and view Buckingham Palace.

Back at the hotel, the men are chatting and Kalon says “any date with her is going to be a group date — you, her and Ricki.” Arie and Jef One F are clearly bothered by the insensitivity of the statement and Kalon’s seeming disdain for Ricki’s presence.

Aaaaaaand back at the date, Emily tells Sean “usually, guys that look like you are really boring.” Um, what? Where are you going with this Emily? Are you implying he looks boring? Or is attractive and attractive men are boring? I’m lost in her odd statement, but then she recovers with “but you passed the test!” But ya know, I can totally forgive Emily, because what Sean does next ranks a 135 on an awkward scale of 1 to 10. He stands up in a crowd and shouts what he believes love is while staring at Emily. And of course, the poor crowd feels obligated to be supportive. (Thankfully he can’t see me, so I make faces at the t.v. and gag.)

Time for dinner, and Emily takes Sean to a prison to eat. Yup. The Wayside Tower. She makes reference to Sean being a prisoner of love. At this point, I’m going to stop watching this show without a barf bucket next to me. Or maybe I’ll wear a cheese head hat. Throughout the date with Sean, I sense Emily is genuinely trying to “flirt” with Sean. She is really trying but sadly, it’s just more awkward. As is Emily telling Sean she wants to have a lot of kids. But that she “doesn’t want to rush things”, yet she wants them to be “fairly close in age to Ricki.” (So, sounds like a rush to me!) Ultimately, Sean is given the rose, and the date ends with the two staring out over the London Bridge and then kissing. Something about their kissing still seems Disney to me. They’re sweet, but there’s no heat.

Group date card arrives at the hotel, and the men chosen are: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon. (Which means the second one-on-one date will be going to Jef One F who’s hair may steal the show.)

The group date starts with RYAN WEARING A WOMAN SCARF. That’s the only thing I can see. Ryan is wearing a crinkly, silky looking woman scarf. Cool. Okay. Moving on, as best I can (but chuckling).

The men are going to have to do some Shakespearean acting outdoors. They audition to play the part of Romeo, and I assume Emily will play Juliet, though Ryan also has the wardrobe for it. The four selected are Alejandro, John, Ryan and Kalon. Arie, Travis, Doug and Chris are given the super masculine role of “Juliet’s nurse.”

This date is just all kinds of stupid. I get to a certain extent, that the point of these group “dates” (moreover group spectacles of embarrassment) is to fetter out who is a good sport and can go with the flow and isn’t too caught up in themselves to act a fool and all, but seriously? These dates hurt to watch. And what do they really tell Emily about their husband father potential after the first couple of group dates once it’s been determined who is go-with-the-flow and who isn’t? Is the purpose just to torture the viewers? I’m asking this in all seriousness.

Off my soapbox and Kalon declares this is HIS night and HIS date and he’s going to get the rose. He actually shoos Emily away to work on his acting. That goes over like gangbusters with Emily as you can imagine.

When it’s time for the balcony scene, my favorite part was when Emily had to look down at the cue card to complete the line “what light through yonder window breaks.” Even if you’ve NEVER read Romeo and Juliet you know that line, come on! Second favorite part, Kalon taking the line reading so seriously, he reads with pompous authority and kills the romance. Close runner up for second favorite part — Arie playing the part of the nurse, complete with long brown wig and “feminine” voice. Least favorite part? Ryan using the death scene as an excuse to sneak in a few real kisses and Emily describing him as “the perfect Romeo.” Ew.

Graphic depiction of Emily and Arie's one-on-one time.

During the time Emily spends with the men individual on the group date, Emily’s time with Arie is again filled with lollipops and caramel and rainbows and balloons of awesomeness. Her time with Ryan also goes well, as he presents her with a gift, a necklace with a turquoise stone (her favorite color). Meanwhile, the other men continue to converse amongst themselves and Kalon complains about getting to talk to an “exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her.” Chris and Arie chat about Kalon’s comments in private, and both men are angry. They take their concern to John, Doug and Travis, who are also bothered. (And secretly in their heads celebrating because they know one more man is about to vamoose!) The men actually go the mature route and verify with Kalon directly that he said Ricki is “baggage” and he admits it and refuses to retract it. Doug is the one to break the news to Emily, who says she is “really pissed off” and then says the limb ripping off line (but without any visible change in her face or tone of voice — though she is clearly sick and has little voice remaining). Right before confronting Kalon, Emily says she wants to go “West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his a**.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m picturing something out of 8-Mile carrying a banjo and that disturbs me plenty.

Doug and Emily walk into the room with the others, and Doug tells everyone to sit down. (Doug is clearly playing the Chris Harrison role here, which leads me to wonder where Chris is this season, as he’s only shown at the beginning and end of each episode.) Doug tells Kalon he’s on the spot, and shares Kalon’s baggage comment. Emily asks if he really said that, and Kalon explains that whoever ends up with Emily will also have the huge responsibility — Emily interrupts and begins to go off on him (I guess this is West Virginia hood rat backwoods? It seems more like West Virginia mad baby mousey, but ok) and doesn’t let him finish. She throws the line he once rudely used on her back at him “I love it when you talk, but only when you let me finish.” (Oooo! Emily actually got a zinger in!) She continues to tell him how disappointed she is in him, especially because he was raised by a single mother himself, and that anyone who truly has a heart would see Ricki as the biggest blessing.

I’m going to go off on a little mini rant here. None of these men know Ricki from Adam at this point. For all they know, Ricki is the biggest hellion that has ever walked the Earth. To automatically assume these men should simply love and feel incredibly blessed by Ricki without ever having spent time with her or having been given the chance to bond with her is incredibly short sighted. Clearly, a parent should never marry someone who couldn’t love their existing children, but as a parent who took a while to fully feel the bond with her own child, I think it’s incredibly unreasonable to expect someone to instantly fully appreciate and bond with a child they’ve NEVER MET. Ok, rant over. Moving on…

So the next part of the show really annoys me. Emily goes off on another rant about how the guys don’t “have her back” and they took so long to come to her and no one told her about Kalon. But, I clearly remember all of the guys discussing it, confronting Kalon, and then bringing it directly to her. So, Emily, you’re wrong. Stop  blaming all the other guys for the comment Kalon said, that was actually grossly overblown.

Time to head into the one-on-one with Jef One F. Emily and Jef One F’s date begins with a traditional afternoon tea and an etiquette lesson. It’s as annoying to watch as I’m sure it was to live through. The date becomes more relaxed when they move to a pub and order some beers and fish and chips. Jef One F scores major points by saying “if Ricki is baggage, she’s the Chloe bag you never want to get rid of.” Nice move, I’ll give him at least a golf clap here. The date continues with a walk to the London Eye where they’ll have dinner (which I’d never heard of and now I feel like an untraveled loser) but it’s a giant spherical room attached to a Ferris wheel, lit up high in the sky. During the the early parts of dinner it’s clear the relationship may be progressing too slowly in Emily’s mind, but by the time dinner is over, Jef One F wins her over with his sharing of feelings and confidence in readiness for family life. The date ends with “the most anticipated kiss of Jef One F’s life.” After this date, Jef One F’s underdog potential for winning has grown in my mind, though ultimately it’s still going to be Arie.

The pre-rose cocktail party is pretty much devoted to Emily further chewing out the guys for not saying something sooner about Kalon. MOVE on Emily. Either send them all packing because you’re that mad, or move on.

Poor Alejandro was never really given a chance to shine.

When rose time comes, Jen One F and Sean already have roses and Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis and Arie receive roses. Sadly, without a real shot, Alejandro is sent home. I didn’t see them as a likely match, but she really didn’t give him the time of day.

See you same time next week!

[featured images via cleonclarke, glamour, and ryanseacrest]

Natali

Natali Carrera is a full-time working mom, wife, web-writer and recovering Target addict. Oh let’s just be honest. She’s not likely recovering.

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