This episode shall forever remain in my mind as “The Neon Episode” because after opening with Music Mike wearing the most neon yellow headband (complete with blogger bun!) and then Travis sporting a neon pink shirt, I had to grab my sunglasses before continuing the episode — this week in Bermuda!
As the official Bermuda intro, Emily waxes on about how cute Bermuda is (the sea is conveniently her favorite color, turquoise — yes, ABC did that just for you Em!) and the houses are yellow and pink. Yay! Ricki is there too of course, and we see her and Emily frolicking on the beach while Emily’s voice once again reminds viewers that she is looking for a father for Ricki and hopes to return to Bermuda next time pushing a baby stroller and pregnant. Whoa there! Let your skin recover lady, stretch marks are no fun! And besides, that’s a lot of diapers while on vacay.
The first date in Bermuda goes to Doug. There’s a weird vibe in the guys’ resort room, as all of the guys are razzing Doug about being extremely nervous about his date. Doug gets tense and almost volatile, which the other guys pick on him (once Doug has left with Emily of course).
Emily takes Doug shopping, and their first stop is a perfumerie. Goodness can this girl plan a fun date! (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE shopping, but the hubs would be sorely disappointed if I took him all the way to Bermuda just to go shopping!) After shopping, Emily and Doug write a letter to Austin, Doug’s son and then the two walk through a Bermudian “love gate” and make a wish. This whole date so far feels rushed editing-wise, which leads me to wonder what drama we’re in for later this episode. The pace slows a bit during the romantic dinner, and Emily begins to wonder if there’s something Doug is hiding. She feels like he’s not being entirely honest with her about something. She tries to pry further by asking what his ex would say are his faults. His response? “Spending too much time with my son.” Emily doesn’t buy this. She tries again, and his response is “I didn’t wash her car enough.” Emily becomes more critical, and states she feels Doug is simply answering with the things that he thinks she wants to hear. She then begins listing her own faults like, not working out (super — thanks for perpetuating that whole “pretty people have naturally perfect bodies and don’t have to work for them” myth) and going out in public in her pajamas. Doug never reveals his true faults, however when he speaks about his policy on kissing on a date, he speaks in third person “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, Emily will let Doug know” so I suppose we could add that to the list of faults. Ultimately though, Emily gives Doug a rose, probably because he spoke in third person off camera.
The group date card arrives and includes Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon who are headed for the high seas (we know from commercial previews that the men will be split into teams to have a sailboat race). The men not selected for the group date are left extremely antsy, as the final date of the week is a two-on-one date in which one man will receive the rose and the other will be sent packing immediately.
The sailboat teams are chosen Red Team: Travis, Charlie, Chris and Sean vs. Yellow Team: Ryan, Arie, Jef, and Kalon. The winning team gets to go on a date with Emily that evening and the losing team is headed back to the resort. The Yellow Team wins in an upset at the finish.
Emily and Arie, sittin' in a tree...
Emily spends one on one time with each of the winning team’s members on the beach. Her time with Arie goes very smoothly, he proposes and the show ends — happily ever after! j/k (But seriously, it’s coming… mark my words.)
Jef One F opens up to Emily and shares that he likes her and enjoys their vibe. This is the first time he seems to be very normal and unguarded, and Emily responds positively.
We see a nanosecond of Emily’s time with Kalon, and I can make nothing of it.
During Ryan’s time with Emily, he shares that he is “not there to impress Emily, but there to make an impression on Emily.” Emily grills Ryan on his potential issues with her gaining weight later in life, and Ryan continually strengthens his jackass impersonation skills. He then essentially calls Emily a bad example to young girls everywhere because she kissed Arie. Oy. This guy is a piece of work!
After all of the one on one time, Emily presents Jef One F with the rose, which causes fireworks to shoot into the sky.(I need a button that produces that result in my life.)
Time for the dreaded two-on-one date, and yes, they do go for the Bermuda Triangle/love triangle angle, and yes it is lame.
Nate and John head off to meet Emily on a yacht, which takes them to dock near a cliff which they all jump off of into the turquoise water. That sentence is boring because this date is boring. It’s been done on this show so many times I can’t even count. John says the date could be the “perfect jumping off point” and the world sighs. Meanwhile, the men back at the house predict Nate will be headed home after the date due to his age and supposed lack of life experience.
The two-on-one nightmare continues with a romantic dinner for three in a cave. (They should add a bear. Three people, fine dining and a BEAR in a cave — now that would be interesting!)
Emily spends some individual time with Nate (see what I did there? I said “individual” instead of one on one. I thought I’d do something original, you know, unlike the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise? hehe). Nate struggles to connect with Emily and open up, but it feels like it’s just too little too late. When speaking of his family, he tears up a bit. It’s clear he’s a very family oriented person. I kind of wanted to hug him myself — but that’s my natural reaction whenever someone cries — I don’t know what else to do!
John’s time with Emily goes smoothly, and he presents himself confidently.
Emily makes her decision and ultimately sends Nate on his way, due to lack of connection (and gasp!) lack of life experience. (The guys were actually right!)
During the pre-rose cocktail party, Emily begins her time with the men by speaking with Alejandro. She assures him his lack of date this week was not a purposeful slight. During her time with Ryan, Emily shares that she’s trying to be a “badass” (why?) and Ryan creepily points out that she’s touching him, like it’s something both sexy and wrong at the same time. He fine tunes his jackassery by asking Emily what makes her worthy of being the Bachelorette. (Dear God Emily, what are you waiting for, lightning to strike him down? Send him packing!)
Arie’s time with Emily is once again rainbows and unicorns and maple bars and everything else good.
Next up, more screen time for Ryan (goodie). This time, he’s telling Music Mike that Emily’s cool and all, but really he wants to be the next Bachelor. I’ve watched a LOT of seasons of this franchise, but that would definitely be a season to skip.
During Sean’s time with Emily, the topic of fatherhood and parenting is broached again, and the two share a very non-steamy, Disney-movie-friendly kiss.
There’s some drama between Doug and Chris, because Doug has made a comment about Chris not being ready to be a father because of his age. Chris is clearly upset by this, and makes a point to share this upset with Emily and reassure her that the information is irrelevant.
Moving on, and Chris Harrison and Emily have their obligatory “it’s later in the season now, so we’re going to discuss the roses in a room filled with framed pictures of the men” chat. Yes, that’s really the name of the chat. I know, it’s long.
I wonder though, seriously — why the framed pics at THIS point in the season and not earlier, when say it’s harder to keep track of all the men? I mean, don’t people normally remember people better when there are fewer of them and you’ve had more time to get to know them?
Rose ceremony time!
Roses go to… Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris (Lance Bass), Ryan (WHY???), Kalon and Alejandro.
We say sayonara to Charlie and Music Mike.
Mike, you seem like a nice guy, but– word of advice — girls don’t like it when you have hair that’s pretty like theirs is.
Charlie and Mike both handle the rejection pretty maturely.
Tune in next week when we follow to show to London!
[featured images via allieiswired and examiner]
I am marking your words Arie gets down on one knee & proposes because if not I will be devastated.
1) Maple bars are good. 2) A bear would have been AWESOME. 3) I refuse to watch the show because it will never match up to the awesome that is this weekly review. FACT.